Currently Reading The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove By Christopher Moore see related

The bad news is, I have a bad case of insomnia brought on by stress over applying to internships and planning my portfolio. The good news is, because of my insomnia you all get a much overdue xanga update.

Normally I might recap the holiday break, but its late and i am squinting in the dark since my contacts are not in my eyes so I hope none of you mind. Just know that I slept in alot, did shopping a lot, and got some very nice presents including the awesome digital camera.

And now I am back here at school, where resumes, cover letters, internships, and portfolios are attacking my soul. Not to mention trying to keep up on work from other classes. Thank God I only have 13 credits this semester (even though it feels more like 16 when you factor in all the internship paperwork I gotta do).

It really sucks t hat the nights I have the most trouble sleeping are the nights before my earliest class days. 9:45 tomorrow morning (or in a few hours, whatever), ugggghh.   Oh well, at least its not 8 am.

Oh, one thing I could mention from the break I guess is that my dad got engaged, officially.  In fall I will have a step-mother and two step sisters (haha how CInderella of me), but its not like i'll be living with them, so it won't really be a major adjustment.  The wedding is October 13th. I need a date.  Spread the word. (except for you Jenkins, you do not spread any word since I fear what specimen you'll conjure up for me... yea well it's TRUE!)

My hair feels dirty, but I am def not gonna be awake early enough before class to shower.  Oh, life. 

I think I shall try sleeping again... 

night night

Currently Listening Snowed In By Hanson see related

Christmas time is here....

Things I am looking forward to over Christmas Break:

1) Christmas movies/ On Demand!!

2) ANy last minute shopping

3) Pollyannas and singing Happy Birthday to Jesus with Dad's family on Christmas Eve (yea, we really do that)

4) PRESENTS!!!!! Especially the digital camera!!!

5) Getting drunk with Mom's family on Christmas Day (yea, we really do that)

6) Spending time with Melissa Newton (who will dye my hair!) and meeting her boyfriend Greg(s).

7) Seeing Holiday with my Sunshine (and don't you forget it and see it without me with your new del val friends or whatever!! )

8) New Years Eve with my favorite fraternal and dysfunctional twins

9) More quality time with Bueeee! (the buick)

10) Not working ??!!! 

Things I am NOT looking forward to:

1) Unpacking my shit in the new shared room.....bahhh!!

2) Umm, self-portraits at Wal-Mart for Dad....

3) Researching potential internships

4) No wireless connection for me to steal from my new neighbors

5) A month without wolfies, haha

6) Waking up far too early in the morning on Christmas

7) Church...I got nothing against God, I just fear he might actually strike me down this year

8) No Tom Kuklinski on Christmas Eve :(

9) umm, driving in snow maybe

10) Not working??!! 

FELIZ NAVIDAD!!  

Currently Watching It Takes Two By Kirstie Alley, Steve Guttenberg, Mary-Kate Olsen, Ashley Olsen, Philip Bosco, Jane Sibbett, Michelle Grisom, Desmond Robertson, Tiny Mills, Shanelle Henry, Anthony Aiello, LaTonya Borsay, Michelle Lonsdale-Smith, Sean Orr, Elizabeth Walsh, Michael Vollans, Paul O'Sullivan, Lawrence Dane, Gerard Parkes, Gina Clayton see related

Wow, over a month since i've updated.

Oh well, deal with it.

This weekend was fun times for the most part, especially since it kind of began Thursday night when I suddenly found myself going to an impromtu (thats the first time I've ever used that word...) newscenter 20 crew party where I a) got a bit drunky, b) played quarters for the first time, and c) actually really enjoyed myself.  I guess life suprises you like that sometimes.

Miss Kelly turned 22 yesterday (meaning Saturday) and today-  yesterday was her social and drunk birthday, and today was the day she was actually born and ate dinner with her parents. Fun times were had by all. Keep an eye out on facebook for the pictures, especially the fuzzy ones of kelly and I dancing in a cage.

I'm going to suddenly switch gears now to more overall life shit in general going on....

Motivation to do school work and figure out what would really make me happy in my chose field- almost non existant.

Eagerness to drink with friends- climbing the charts.

The amount of time I can spend not doing anything? - damn scary.

Love life (well, lack there of)......ummm......   a constant struggle for me and my soul.  I just feel like I have all this love bottled up inside me and it is almost ready to go bad, like the deli ham that I've had in my fridge since labor day weekend... I just want to, no, not want, need, I need to love someone. No, not just someone, because I already love my close close friends, I need to love a boyfriend, a soul mate. I need to look into a persons eyes, rub someone's back and hair, and hold someone with so much crazy insane Love. And I KNOW that I'm capable of it, and that I could do it well if I had the chance. And I need to be loved by that person in return with the same amount of intensity. And if that is too much to ask for out of this short life, then I'm fucked (and not in the way that is known to cause pleasure for others). Because it doesn't matter what job I end up doing in the long run, what career I aspire to. Whether I'm a server at new seasons for the rest of my life or a successful television producer with a lot of money, if I don't ever benefit from true love (pardon the cliche expression) with someone before I leave this world than what the hell is the point?

And with all that said, I might do some slight crying now and go to bed.

(for the record I do not like crying...I hate it, and I used to go months and months inbetween the moments when I do, but lately my will power has given it to it more and more when no one is looking. I hope it stops soon.)

Someone out there loves me and wants me. I know this for sure now. Ok, there's some slight issues.

a) he's married/currently ending his marriage/trying to fix his marriage maybe? who knows anymoe

b) he is about 13 years older than me

c) he doesn't have real teeth. As in the ones I've seen him use for the past year are fake.

But all this stuff aside, he's out there and he has the potential to be everything I have ever wanted in a guy and could make me SO happy, and vice versa.

Is it ideal? Of course not. When I was 15 sitting in biology class daydreaming of who my special someone might be, 35 and married deffinately did not come to mind. And certaintly not the false teeth... but there it is. THERE it is. He's the one I want above all others that might compare to him, the one I choose to love. Is it right? Probably not.

And sure, I could have someone else I guess, someone more stable, someone 100% single who would like me and treat me decently, someone I could engage in a "normal" and functional relationship with. But is that REA:LLY better, or are we just socially constructed to think that way?   What if the majority of all those happy shiney people walking around, holding hands in malls, on the boardwalk, etc etc, what if they're the screwed up ones, the ones with terrible secrets, the ones that will amount in disaster?

The problem is, I want nothing more than to be one of them. I would kill to be one of the happy shiney ones on a Saturday night, to have this feeling of bitterness I have developing towards them melt away. And I don't want to be bitter. I want to be happy for the happy shiney ones.

But take what you can get from this world, Cara. And for now all I got me are some friends who are just as fucked up as I am in their own way, a future that has me go $$$$%%%%%@@@###&&&!!!!  some of the time, a house that I don't know yet which is meant to be home, a job I can never return to, and a 35 year old guy who loves me on the other side of the state. Or maybe he really is using me, and maybe I really am a homewrecker but Lord if it somehow works in our favor then who am I to argue with it?

Shit happens. Marriages end. I will not take responsibility for a dysfunctional marriage, I can't, and I shouldn't have to. Nor will I take responsibility for my heart choosing to fall in love with him that night, because no one has control over who they fall in love with. Now yes, I did have control over going back to his place and letting him take care of me, but i did not have control in liking it. LOVING it. Is it wrong to like feeling loved by someone, even under the wrong circumstances? No. NO. Does it make me selfish? Sure. I'm selfish. There. Who isn't? There is not one 100% selfless person out there in the universe. It's just unnatural.

It doesn't have to make me a bad person, or him a bad person. Maybe there isn't such a thing as a bad person. Maybe bad things just  happen to people, and we let the situation take control over who we become, who we are seen as.

I don't want to become a spinster. I don't want to become a hypocryt if I am in an unhealthy marriage one day and discover my husband has been with another and forget everything that I am feeling now.

I would just like to be happy. Doesn't have to be happy shiney, but just completely FUCKING happy in most of the aspects of my life. I would love to just wake up tomorrow and decide "Ok, I am going to forget all my issues that is holding me down, and just be happy with my life without the occassional coctail on a Thursday night."

Does anyone really work like that?

Someone loves me. It's not perfect or ideal. It's not happy shiney. But it's mine, for now, and I wish to hold on to it for as long as I possibly can.

The end.

Someone out there loves me and wants me. I know this for sure now. Ok, there's some slight issues.

a) he's married/currently ending his marriage/trying to fix his marriage maybe? who knows anymoe

b) he is about 13 years older than me

c) he doesn't have real teeth. As in the ones I've seen him use for the past year are fake.

But all this stuff aside, he's out there and he has the potential to be everything I have ever wanted in a guy and could make me SO happy, and vice versa.

Is it ideal? Of course not. When I was 15 sitting in biology class daydreaming of who my special someone might be, 35 and married deffinately did not come to mind. And certaintly not the false teeth... but there it is. THERE it is. He's the one I want above all others that might compare to him, the one I choose to love. Is it right? Probably not.

And sure, I could have someone else I guess, someone more stable, someone 100% single who would like me and treat me decently, someone I could engage in a "normal" and functional relationship with. But is that REA:LLY better, or are we just socially constructed to think that way?   What if the majority of all those happy shiney people walking around, holding hands in malls, on the boardwalk, etc etc, what if they're the screwed up ones, the ones with terrible secrets, the ones that will amount in disaster?

The problem is, I want nothing more than to be one of them. I would kill to be one of the happy shiney ones on a Saturday night, to have this feeling of bitterness I have developing towards them melt away. And I don't want to be bitter. I want to be happy for the happy shiney ones.

But take what you can get from this world, Cara. And for now all I got me are some friends who are just as fucked up as I am in their own way, a future that has me go $$$$%%%%%@@@###&&&!!!!  some of the time, a house that I don't know yet which is meant to be home, a job I can never return to, and a 35 year old guy who loves me on the other side of the state. Or maybe he really is using me, and maybe I really am a homewrecker but Lord if it somehow works in our favor then who am I to argue with it?

Shit happens. Marriages end. I will not take responsibility for a dysfunctional marriage, I can't, and I shouldn't have to. Nor will I take responsibility for my heart choosing to fall in love with him that night, because no one has control over who they fall in love with. Now yes, I did have control over going back to his place and letting him take care of me, but i did not have control in liking it. LOVING it. Is it wrong to like feeling loved by someone, even under the wrong circumstances? No. NO. Does it make me selfish? Sure. I'm selfish. There. Who isn't? There is not one 100% selfless person out there in the universe. It's just unnatural.

It doesn't have to make me a bad person, or him a bad person. Maybe there isn't such a thing as a bad person. Maybe bad things just  happen to people, and we let the situation take control over who we become, who we are seen as.

I don't want to become a spinster. I don't want to become a hypocryt if I am in an unhealthy marriage one day and discover my husband has been with another and forget everything that I am feeling now.

I would just like to be happy. Doesn't have to be happy shiney, but just completely FUCKING happy in most of the aspects of my life. I would love to just wake up tomorrow and decide "Ok, I am going to forget all my issues that is holding me down, and just be happy with my life without the occassional coctail on a Thursday night."

Does anyone really work like that?

Someone loves me. It's not perfect or ideal. It's not happy shiney. But it's mine, for now, and I wish to hold on to it for as long as I possibly can.

The end.